


unbreak the broken

by hotelbooks



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Body Image, Depression, Feelings of replacement, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Not Beta Read, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, jamie centric fic, jamie deserves happiness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28708422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotelbooks/pseuds/hotelbooks
Summary: The Dallas Stars lose in the Stanley Cup Finals, and that is the last straw for Jamie. Jamie loses his grip on his life, and feels himself spiral, having feelings of being expendable, a major Gay Panic, feelings of loneliness, body image issues, and a lot of inner turmoil. Jamie just wants to love living again, and with the help of his family, and a furry friend, Jamie may just learn to love himself and learn to be happy again.OrThe one where Jamie finds peace and comfort in those who love him.
Relationships: Jamie Benn & Jessi Kohout, Jamie Benn & Jordie Benn, Jamie Benn & Tyler Seguin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 43





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely FICTION! Real people are mentioned, but I basically only use their names and occupations and used my free reign as a writer to make them ‘my own’. 
> 
> IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS MENTIONED IN THIS AND YOU FOUND THIS BY SEARCHING YOUR NAMES, PLEASE CLICK AWAY. 
> 
> Also, please refer to the content warnings, and read at your own risk! The tags may or may not change as I write. Hope you enjoy!

**pull me out**  
**of the trainwreck**

_ **one.** _

  
Jamie’s mind races to a thousand different places and scenarios. He can’t move. They just lost. They fucking lost. He failed his team, his boys, his brothers, all of Dallas, the fans, Bones.

Jordie, Jessi, and baby Billie were watching from their home in Dallas, a few blocks away from Jamie’s. He failed them too.

_Tyler._

Jamie can’t breathe, can’t move. His feet feel like cement blocks inside his skates, keeping him permanently attached to the ice. He’s either going to stay planted there forever, or melt directly into the ice.

Tampa is celebrating on the other end of the ice, and Jamie knows that he’s going to have to start Dallas’s handshake line soon, knowing that they're going to be forced off of the ice so that Tampa can celebrate properly, with the cup.

He can’t bear to look at Dobby. That man carried the team on his back, Jamie couldn’t get him the win he deserved. Jamie failed him too.

He also failed himself.

 _Get it in line, Chubbs._ Jamie thinks to himself, the list of people he let down playing on an infinite loop in his head.

Before sinking deeper into his head, Jamie skates over to Dobby, putting on a façade. He has to play captain before he can wallow in self pity. Dobby needs this.

Jamie pulls the goalie into a tight hug. “I’m proud of you, Dobby. All of us are, all of Dallas is. You did everything you could, and I’m sorry we couldn’t scrape it out for you. You deserved the win. We wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. Thank you.”

Dobby let out the smallest and saddest noise Jamie has ever heard out of a grown man, and doesn’t even bother removing his helmet. He sinks into the hug, and they stand there for a moment. Jamie embracing his goalie. His goalie who deserves the world, and more.

“I’m serious, Anton. You got us this far. That’s an accomplishment.”

If only Jamie can believe his own words.

Jamie starts the handshake line then and there, wanting to disappear from the ice, and possibly the face of the earth, as quick as possible. He skated through the line, speaking his congratulations as quickly as possible. He is empty. Void of emotion.

He’s the first off of the ice. He removes his helmet, showers fast, and dresses slowly. He sits in the cubby that he occupied this series, and stares at the rubber floor. His eyes focus on his sock covered feet, and doesn’t move until he is nudged by John.

The whole team is staring at him, expecting, waiting.

Jamie wants to disappear.

He failed them, and they are still expecting him to lead them. He doesn’t get it.

He stands up, and swallows. “We did everything we could. I’m proud of all of you. All we can do is go home, and prepare for the next run. Go get some rest, everyone.” He speaks quietly, his voice cracking and wavering.

He sits back down until he gets tapped in for media. Alone. At a table. To answer questions. About how he lost and failed everyone as a captain.

He can only bear to answer two of the three questions he’s given. For the full extent of one question, he stares at his hands, or into space, and just breathes. Jamie doesn’t want to let his emotions show, he wants to be brave for Dallas during this interview. To show them that he is strong, and that they’ll come back next year. But Jamie isn’t strong. He isn’t. His emotions seep through his mental block anyway, without his permission. His voice cracks as he answers the first one, his hands shake slightly, so he occupies himself by fiddling with his fingers.

No one pushes him, and he’s glad they at least have some common decency, for all it’s worth.

He goes directly to his hotel room after being taken back, and plants himself on the edge of what was his bed for two months.

His room is quiet. It’s easy for his head to overtake the silence in the room, and create the loud noises he wanted to avoid that whole night. His mind speaks to him, adds static in the silence, creating a noise that would make a normal person’s ears bleed.

Jamie’s mind floats back to everyone that he’s let down. The list replays in his mind, antagonizing him, taunting him, killing him from the inside out.

_The team, the fans, Bones, Nill, Lites, his parents, Jordie, Jessi, Billie, who wasn't coherent enough to understand his situation, but he still let her down, Tyson who watched from Toronto, hoping Jamie would get his childhood dream, and Tyler._

God, Tyler is the worst of them all. Jamie wanted to win him another ring. Another piece of the cup to have his name engraved on, but this time, next to Jamie’s. A matching tattoo so that Jamie can have that moment etched on him forever. Tyler deserves another cup, he works his ass off for the team, breaking his body down while doing it. Jamie can’t even imagine how he feels right now. His knee must be doing awfully, along with his hip. Jamie wants to sink into the floorboards.

_Wallowing in his own self pity while Tyler and the other guys are bruised and broken on the inside out? Jamie’s really here feeling sorry for himself?_

So he gets up. His legs shake from the sudden movement, his body trembling as he tries to push through the anxiety of facing everyone he let down yet again.

He pushes himself out the door, and makes his rounds around the Stars’s hotel floor, knocking on every door, and checking in on everyone.

The last room he went to was the room to the right of his. Tyler’s.

Jamie knocked lightly, the captain character he had put on almost fully fading away. His hands went back to betraying him, shaking up a storm, his eyes went from bright and hopeful, to their normal state of drooping and sad, filled with longing and guilt. He can’t let Tyler see him like this, the Tyler he’s loved for years (he’ll touch on that revelation later, his mind is running a tad too wild to even try to unpack that), the Tyler who he met his first official week as captain, the Tyler whom he put back together after finding all of the broken pieces. Tyler needs him to be strong.

But Jamie’s tired. He’s exhausted. His body is breaking down, he’s not as young as he used to be and can’t bounce back as easily. His eyes are sad and tired. His emotions are barely contained. Jamie is _tired_. He’s guilty, his body and mind just feel… heavy.

Tyler opens the door with glassy eyes. Jamie tries to straighten his body quick enough, but Tyler sees right through him, he always has. He saw every time Jamie secretly flinched when he was called Chubbs. He saw every time Jamie curled in on himself when his sides got poked. He saw when Jamie smiled and didn’t mean it. He knows when Jamie’s faking it. But Jamie still tries. He can’t let the exterior he built crack.

Seggy needs him to be strong.

“Jamie? You with me?” Jamie hears Tyler’s usual loud and brash voice turn into a whisper. A soft, gentle voice that Jamie has only ever heard Tyler use once in a while. “Jamie!” Tyler says more insistently, as Jamie continues to zone out, as if Jamie has been spaced out for a while. He probably has been.

“My god.” Tyler sighs, and Jamie knows he’s done it. Bothering Tyler when he’s just as upset, if not more? Jamie doesn’t want to make him feel worse. He doesn’t want to be a bother.

Tyler’s got his hand curled around Jamie’s arm, and Jamie’s brain goes into overdrive. He looks at Tyler's face, he sees pain, exhaustion, sadness, and tear tracks. Jamie was just bothering him. Tyler has to call his mom, his sisters, _Kate_. He doesn’t need Jamie adding to his sadness. He doesn’t need Jamie in his life right now, probably ever. Jamie knows he's replaceable. He’s expendable. His abilities as captain are questioned, he’s not needed.

Jamie forgot about Kate. He tends to do it on purpose, most of the time, no offense to her. Tyler has someone to help him through this, to hug him, to hold him, to kiss him, to remind him of his positivities. Tyler's going to be going home to a full house. The dogs, Kate, possibly his mother and sisters. Jamie will be going home to an empty house. Katie left him during the tail end of quarantine, right before hockey, packed up and took the cat. Jamie doesn’t know what he did wrong, but she deserves to be happy, he wants that for her.

“Sorry… just, uh… checking in. Get some rest, see you for… breakfast, morning.” Jamie breathes out, nodding. He tugs his arm away from Tyler’s grasp, ignoring the calls and averting his eyes from the man he’s loved for so long,, the man he’d give everything to if he’s given the chance.

Jamie bodies his way out of the doorway, and into his own room. Needing to get a hold of his breathing, Jamie clambers over to the bed, gripping the sheets to hold onto something real. He can’t let Tyler see his weakness. He got away as quick as he could before his resolve cracked.

He can’t bear to let Tyler see his weakness, to see him crumble. Tyler has enough on his shoulders. Jamie doesn’t need to add to that.

Curling up on the bed, Jamie lets out a loud, body wracking sob. All of the emotions from today finally crashing down on him. He shakes, his body folding in on itself as he cries, alone, upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism is welcomed! Tell me if there is anything I need to fix, or add in the next chapter to do better! 
> 
> Can’t wait to see your feedback!  
> Updates will be sporadic, I have the next two chapters pre-written, I just have to edit them.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie goes to Jordie’s, and a revelation sparks conversation between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, refer to the tags, or the bottom notes for CW.

**_two._**

  
Jamie wakes up with his alarm. Sticky tear tracks are left on his face as he wakes up in last night's clothes, not even under the covers. He cried himself to sleep. 

_Weak_ . _You’re not the only one grieving, Jamie._

He sighs and changes his clothes, getting prepared for the flight home. He washes his face and hopes that no one asks him questions, hopes that his sorrows from last night weren’t loud, hopes that no one has heard his cries. They don’t need to know that their captain fell apart. 

That their captain _is_ falling apart.

The team eats breakfast, leaves the hotel, gets to the airport, and boards the plane in total silence. It’s eerie. Jamie made it his job to make sure that no one speaks to him. He can’t handle them seeing how bad it really is for him, that is the last thing they want to see. They don't want to see how weak their captain is, how he is handling the loss. He doesn’t want them to realize that Lites was right in calling him horseshit. Wrong about Tyler, right about him. He doesn’t want them to see that they could easily take his C away if enough of them complained, and give it to someone else… maybe Pavs. He deserves it. 

He shoves in his headphones, and slumps down in a seat by himself, resting his head against the plane wall, adjusting the mask on his face to cover his nose. He knows they’ve spent every day for two months together, but the mask is the small piece of security he has left. 

He told the team when they asked that he’s protecting the plane from his germs, which, yeah, he is, but he’s also protecting his team from seeing the full emotions on his face. The mask blocks the germs and the feelings. 

He stares out the window, and listens to the same five songs on repeat for the duration of the three hour and forty-eight minute plane ride. He isn’t totally zoned out, but it’s a damn close thing. 

He feels eyes on him, and though he would rather not, he looks anyway. Those eyes burning into his soul belong to _Tyler_. He’s probably psychoanalyzing Jamie. 

Jamie gives him the smiling eyes, though his mouth doesn’t match. The beauty of the mask. 

Jamie’s skin itches, his chin itches. He needs to shave his beard, start fresh. But he doesn’t know if he is ready to do that. Or ready to do anything, in all honesty.

The plane lands, the door opens, stairs emerge, and Jamie hears their fans cheering. Glad that they’re home, thanking them, chanting for Dobby. 

_As they should. He deserves every last bit of that. Unlike you, Jamie. None of it’s for you. They’d get rid of you in a heartbeat for someone better if they had the chance._

Jamie shakes his head, and forces himself out of the door, down the stairs. He signs things for fans, but begs off of pictures, his voice sad, and thankfully, the fans understand. 

The bus takes the team to the American Airlines Center so that they can grab their cars, but Jamie goes inside, to the locker room, to his stall. 

He glances at his nameplate, and he wants to throw up. He quickly collects his necessities, the stuff he left there before the pause. 

His eyes well up with tears, but he blinks them away. He doesn’t need more evidence that he’s upset. He reaches out and slides his nameplate out of its holder. He doesn’t deserve it there. His breaths are labored, his anxiety is spiking, and he feels a tear roll down his left cheek. The mask doesn't leave his face.

He wipes it away fast, and goes to exit the locker room, tossing his nameplate into the garbage on his way out. 

Jamie makes it to the garage, and sees that his car is the only car left. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there, but he can only assume that it’s been a while. 

Driving home distracts him from his emotions, but as he pulls into his driveway, his own garage, seeing the emptiness breaks his heart. 

He wasn’t necessarily _in love_ with Katie, but he had love _for_ her, and the idea of her being there for him would’ve made him feel a little better. 

But she was gone. Most of his relationships don't work out. 

_Maybe it’s just you, Jamie. You let down everyone you love. You’re the problem. Learn how to lead, how to be responsible, how to love anyone but Tyler. He doesn’t love you back like that. Get over it. He has someone. You’re alone. You will always be alone._

_You’re the problem. Everyone replaces you eventually._

Jamie finally snaps out of his thoughts because he unknowingly hit the horn. He turns off his car, gets out, and goes inside of his large and empty home. He kicks his shoes off by the garage door, grabs a beer or three from the fridge, and goes upstairs. 

Days of the same feelings continue to pass. Tampa parties, has a (pretty irresponsible, if you ask Jamie) “boat parade” for the cup, and Jamie can’t escape seeing updates about Tampa and their celebrations. It just rubs his failures into his face. 

After a week, Jamie decides to surface, to show signs of life. He trims his beard, because he can’t handle the full shave _just_ yet, and leaves his slight (an understatement) mess of a house. He decides to go on a run. His final destination of said run is Jordie and Jessi’s Dallas home. 

Ringing the bell, Jamie stands awkwardly, and sweaty, by the door. He hears Juice’s loud barks, and Jordie’s stomping feet. 

“Juice, please, Billie’s sleeping.” Jamie hears his brother complain behind the door. When the door swings open, Jamie is met with Jordie’s sad face. 

“Jame-” Jordie starts, before being interrupted by Jamie pushing into his brother’s personal space and hugging him. “I’m sorry you guys couldn’t scrape it out, Chubbs.” Jordie sighs, hugging his brother back tight, pulling him into the house. 

Jamie melts into Jordie’s arms in the entryway of his home. His tears wet the shoulder of Jordie’s shirt, and his legs feel weak. “It hurts really bad, Jordie.” 

Jordie frowns, his hands rubbing circles on his younger brother’s back. “You did what you could, Jamie.”

“It wasn’t enough, Jord! Why am I never enough?” Jamie cries, pushing out of Jordie’s grasp. 

“This isn’t just about hockey, is it?” Jordie asks, his face softening at the sound of his brother’s ailments. 

Jamie shakes his head, wiping his face. To Jordie, Jamie looks like a kid again. Baby faced, wide eyes, evident heartbreak and sadness on his face. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Jordie keeps his voice gentle, worrying that Jamie will break even more. Jamie nods, and Jordie leads him to the couch, where Jessi sat with a napping Billie, sadness for Jamie in her eyes. He loves her like a sister, but he doesn’t want her pity. 

“Hey, Jess.” Jamie rasps, giving her a sad smile. 

Jessi rubbed a comforting hand up and down Jamie’s arm, soothing him slightly. “I’ll go put Billie in her crib.”

“You can come back here… I’d like your advice as well.” Jamie speaks, more like a question. She's another sister to him, almost his sister in law. 

“Of course, Jamie.” She smiles and goes to put Billie to bed. 

Jamie sits on the couch, slightly hunched over, his elbows on his knees, hands on his cheeks. Jordie sits beside him on one side, Jessi on the other. 

“Wanna tell me what's going on, kid?” Jordie asks gently, and Jamie feels like he’s being coddled. He hates it. 

Jamie sighs and looks at Jordie. “I think… I think I-“ He struggles. He’s never really outright said these words to himself, let alone out loud. “I think I’m in love with Tyler? I… I think I’m possibly gay… or bisexual?” He exhales, rubbing his hands over his face. Jamie’s giving himself whiplash with the feelings that are whirring around in his brain. 

“That’s okay, Jamie.” Jordie whispers, Jessi nodding in agreement. 

Jamie slowly stands up and shakes his head, beginning to pace. “No, it isn’t! Jord, you don’t… you dont get it. I like men, while in the NHL. I can never publicly date a man. And I wouldn't want to hide him if I was dating a man, either. Plus, if word gets out that Dallas has a gay captain, they’ll use that as an explanation as to why I couldn’t lead my team to win the cup, as to why I wasn’t better, as to why I don’t deserve the C anymore! They’ll use it against me, and they’ll replace me with someone who doesn’t like men, someone better and stronger than me.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, didn’t you have girlfriends?” Jordie asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Jamie rolls his eyes, but indulges, because it’s clear that Jordie just doesn’t understand yet. “I could never keep them. I just wasn’t interested, I’ve had someone else on my mind for almost eight years...” 

Jordie’s eyes widen with realization, and then soften, Jessi’s seeming to do the same. 

“Oh, Jamie.” Jessi frowns, standing up, and pulling him into a tight hug. “Is it?”

The person in question’s name doesn’t need to be mentioned. They know. 

“Yeah. It is.” Jamie sighs, wiping his eyes of the tears that threaten to fall. “It’s always been him.” 

Jamie’s chest hurts. There’s an empty space where Tyler should be. Sure, Jamie is still upset about the cup loss, but that was only the beginning of Jamie’s resolve cracking and his world crumbling around him. That just set everything off. 

“It’s always been him, but he has Kate. He’s always had _someone_ , y’know? He always had dates. I didn’t say anything because being his best friend was _so good_ , I didn’t want to ruin what we had. I couldn’t. So now he has Kate, and they’re good. He’s good and I’m happy for him. 

But it’s breaking my heart. Watching him go home to someone who makes him happy, while I go home to emptiness. No Katie, no nothing, and during the season, no you guys. It's… It’s lonely. I’m _so alone_ and it hurts so bad. I start to wonder if maybe I’m the problem.

Maybe if I was different, or if I did things differently, I’d be good enough for someone, good enough for Tyler. If I was different, or wasn’t so hung up on Tyler, I’d have a girlfriend, maybe even be married… happy, y’know? Maybe if I was different, I could be better for Dallas. Be the captain they want and need.”

“Don’t you _dare_ change yourself because you want to feel validated by strangers.” Jessi warns, cupping Jamie’s cheeks, forcing him to look at her. “I love you like a brother, Jamie, and you deserve to be happy. But changing yourself, or pretending to be who you aren’t, will not make anything better. You will make yourself more miserable.” Her eyes are glassy, and Jamie didn't want to do this to her. 

_He doesn’t want to make her cry… why does he always upset people?_

“She’s right, Jamie. You won’t make yourself happy that way.” Jordie agrees, standing up to join them, pulling them both into his arms, a tight embrace. 

“I’m sorry.” Jamie chokes out. “I’m _so_ sorry.” 

Jessi shakes her head and tightens her end of the hug. “Never apologize for who you are and how you feel. You’re allowed to _feel_ , Jamie. You’re human.” 

“But I have to be strong, Jess, I can’t… I can’t be broken.”

“Yes you _can_.” She adds. “You can. It’s okay to be broken. We’re here to help you piece yourself together. We obviously can’t do it for you, but we love you, and we want to help.”

Jordie pats Jamie gently on the back. “You don't have to be strong around us Jamie. We’re family, we can see right through that shit anyways. You can let down those walls. We love you, dumbass, you _always_ have a home with us.”

Jamie feels like his heart is being pulled out of his chest. He has his family, his people. They’re here for him. They love him, accept him, and they think he is good enough. They think he is **_more_ ** than good enough. Why does he not feel better?

_But… what happens when they’re 1,768.32 miles apart again? What happens when the season starts again? When Jamie is alone in Dallas, and Jordie, Jessi and Billie are in Vancouver? What happens to Jamie then?_

_Is the home with his family enough to keep him sane? Is it enough to make him feel like he’s okay? To make him feel like he deserves to be where he is? To make him feel like he’s good enough? To make him feel less alone?_

Jamie doesn’t know. He doesn’t know if the love of his family will cover for the loneliness that he feels., the tug of his heart towards the person that he can’t have. The longing for a loving relationship, a future family of his own. 

“Maybe I should get a pet.” Jamie blurts out into the now silent room, after wracking his brain a bit. 

“That could be good for you, Jame.” Jordie nods, patting him on the back. “We can help you.” 

“I was thinking… maybe a cat?” Jamie knows that if he was to get a dog, it would upset him, and he would think about Tyler. “Lower maintenance.” That’s his excuse. 

Jessi smiles and squeezes him one more time. “I think that could be good for you.” She definitely knows the real reasoning. 

Cries from upstairs fill the room, meaning Billie’s awake. 

“Can I?” Jamie asks carefully. He never got to properly meet Billie. Maybe now can be his chance. 

Jordie smiles and nods. “Be our guest.” 

Jamie breaks away from the hug, and goes upstairs into Billie’s nursery. He sees the crib that holds his niece, and his face breaks into a gentle grin. He smells her before he sees her, scrunching his nose with a small chuckle. 

“Nasty.” 

Lifting her out, he changes her as quickly as an inexperienced guy can, and finally introduces himself. “Hi Billie… I’m uncle Jamie.” He whispers, giving her his finger to hold. “I’m here for you. No matter what.” He adds after a long pause. He needs to tell her that he cares, so she always knows, so she never feels alone. So she knows she’ll always have him. 

Billie gurgles and gives Jamie a gummy smile. “You look so much like your dad.” He sighs and lifts her up, pressing a gentle kiss to her head. He cradles her close, and rocks a little where he stands. She hums, and makes happy little noises as Jamie whispers sweet words to his niece, promising to protect her and keep her safe. 

When she falls asleep in his arms, Jamie feels like he’s accomplished something. Finally. 

The last thing Jamie needs is baby fever, and he doesn’t want to adopt and raise a baby by himself, so he has to put her down before he gets any ideas. 

He gently lays her back down, and feels the emptiness in his chest return. He slowly creeps out of her nursery, sad, and back down the stairs. 

Jordie holds up the baby monitor to show Jamie the small screen. “That was absolutely adorable, Jame.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” Jamie jokes with no bite behind it, shoving his brother over on the couch. 

He lets a few seconds of silence pass before blurting out, “Should I tell Segs?”

Jordie blanches, looking at Jamie with wide eyes, the change in topics giving him whiplash, shocker, it doing the same to Jamie. “Dude… do you feel like you have to? Like… as some sort of closure?”

Shrugging, Jamie sits back down with a wince, a reminder of his injuries from playoffs, his hips aching, a phantom pain from past injuries, and his shoulder sore. “I have no clue. I just feel like he deserves to know.” 

“If he reacts poorly?” 

“At least I’ll know. I have time to figure out how to avoid making him uncomfortable. Time to keep my distance before camp.” 

“If you think you should, Jamie.” Jordie nods, and Jamie stands. “Woah, right now?” 

“I won't have the balls to do it later.” Jamie sets his jaw, clenching slightly. He nods and looks at Jordie. “If it goes well, I’ll let you know.” 

“And if it doesn't?”

Jamie shrugs in response, the more time he wastes, the more anxious he gets. He says goodbye to Jordie and Jessi, and books it. 

Tyler doesn't live right around the corner anymore, so Jamie has to run back home. He showers, because he obviously is gross from running, going to Jordie’s, and running back. He puts on jeans and a black shirt, and a hat to cover his wild hair so he doesn’t have to style it. 

If Jamie thinks about the possibilities, he may throw up, or crash his car, so he keeps his head as clear as possible on the drive to Tyler’s house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is going a liiiiittle overboard with his impulsiveness when it comes to his feelings. So again, cw for feelings of loneliness, replacement, definite hints towards depression, and impulsivity. If you like what you’re reading, feedback would be sooo helpful!


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie faces the music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: slight panic attack, if you want to skip it, it starts with “he scrubs his body raw” and ends with “Jamie gets out”
> 
> Another cw: depressive thoughts

**_three._ **

He has piss-poor timing, apparently, because Kate’s car is in the driveway. 

_Now or never. But that girl can’t hear this. She can’t._

He parks out front, thankful for street parking, and clambers out of the driver's seat. Anxiety floods his body as every step towards Tyler’s front door feels heavier and heavier. He pushes through until he is stuck at the doorstep. 

Ringing the bell, Jamie waits, all his fears coming to a head. He fiddles with the bottom of his shirt, a billion ‘what if?’s jumbling around in his brain. 

“Jamie?” He hears a female voice answer the door. _Kate_. The dogs hear Jamie’s name and start to bark begging to be let outside to jump on someone they haven’t seen in forever. “Come in.” She adds. 

He nods and steps inside awkwardly, getting attacked by three loving dogs, almost bowling him over. “Hi boys.” He barely manages out. He crouches down, and pets them happily, since he hasn't seen them in months. “Hi Kate.” He nods and gives her a small, but fake, grin, she can’t see him sad either, she’s been too nice to him, he doesn’t want to worry her, then Tyler will stress out. “Is Seggy home?” He asks impatiently, his anxiety almost unbearable. 

“Yeah, do you need him for something?” She raises a brow, and Jamie’s stomach twists. Does Tyler not want to see him? Of course not, because Jamie failed him. 

He looks at her, and there is nothing friendly about how she is standing. He swallows and nods. “Yeah… some important captain stuff I need to go over with him. Can I speak with him in private?” 

She crosses her arm and gives him a curt nod, turning on her heels to bound upstairs. “Babe?” She shouts as she runs upstairs. “Jamie’s here!” 

She has no idea what she’s doing to Jamie with that small sentence. Jamie thinks she’s doing it on purpose, she probably isn’t, though. 

_To rub it in your face. What she has, and you’ll never have,_ Jamie’s unhelpful mind supplies. He can barely breathe. He sits on one of the stools at the counter and waits, his leg bouncing fast with anxiety, his eyes focusing on the stairs. 

Tyler walks down the stairs in place of Kate. He looks tentative, like if he gets closer to Jamie, then Jamie will break. “Chubbs?” 

Jamie winces slightly. The only person to call him Chubbs in a while has been Jordie. Tyler hasn’t called him Chubbs in a while. He must really hate Jamie. “Ty.” 

“You okay?” 

“Been better. Listen, I just… I have something really important to tell you.” 

Tyler just sits across from him and nods. “Go ahead, man.” 

“I’m gay, I think.” 

“Oh, that’s cool.” Tyler replies, and Jamie raises an eyebrow. 

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t change your personality, Jamie. I’m not going to hate you for liking dudes.”

“Right.” Jamie nods, anxiety still flooding his body. “It’s lonely, man. No one knows besides you, Jordie and Jessi. It sucks. I couldn’t say it out loud until today.” 

Tyler gives Jamie a questioning look, and sits back a bit. “How so? I’m always here for you, Jordie and Jessi are here for you, you have the guys. What’s so bad about that?”

Jamie sighs and rubs his face. “Ty, it’s not the same, okay? I'm not out to the guys. I was barely out to myself until this morning. And… it hurts to see everyone in my life go home to people they love, go home to someone. Jordie and Jessi are over 1,700 miles away. I go home to nothing, to no one, to silence. It breaks my heart, man. I’m alone in a different way than what you think.” 

“But Jamie, you’re an amazing guy. You can find a boyfriend easy, man.” 

“Tyler, I’m not good enough for anyone. My relationships never last. I never want them to stay long anyway.” 

“Why?” 

“Because they’re not who I want! None of them add up to him. No one is like him. I just can’t move on, and I know I should.” Jamie sighs, his heart rate picking up. 

Tyler studies Jamie, wondering what to say, what to do. “Jamie, you gotta try to move on, bud. I want to see you happy.” 

Jamie shakes his head and laughs. “Segs, It’s not that easy.” 

“But it can be!” 

“But it’s not, okay? It’s _not_ . It breaks my heart every fucking day, because I _know_ I can’t have him. I just _know._ ”

“But how do you know, Jame?”

“Because it's _you,_ Tyler! It’s you. Is… is that a good enough answer? You’re straight, you have a girlfriend, you’re happy. I’m happy for you, but it’s breaking my fucking heart. Being your friend is enough, but it’s fucking painful, okay?” Jamie shouts as quietly as possible, anxious and frustrated. His face flushes from his ramble, and he is breathing heavily.

Tyler is frozen in place, his face drained of color, stunned. Jamie isn’t okay. Tyler’s going to kick him out, Tyler’s going to hate him. “Jamie… I don’t… I don’t know what to say.” 

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m gonna go, yeah?” Jamie chokes out, words getting stuck in his throat like a cough that won’t get out. “You don’t have to say a word.”

“Chubbs, I… I’m sorry. I can’t…”

“See you at camp, Segs.” Jamie interrupts, petting the dogs goodbye, walking out the door. 

Jamie gets into his car, slamming his hands onto the steering wheel as he shouts, “ **_Fuck_ **! Fuck, you stupid fucking idiot, Jamie!” He rubs his face before starting his car and driving home. 

_Time to wallow in self pity and move on. You’re better than this._

He isn’t really better than this. 

He doesn’t go back to Jordie and Jessi’s. He doesn’t want to face their pity. That’s the last thing he wants. 

Jamie knew how this would end, he knew that it wouldn’t end like it does in the movie. There was never, and will never be a future where Jamie and Tyler can be together. Jamie knows that Tyler was sincere when he said that he didn’t care that Jamie’s gay, but the feelings thing? Jamie knows he just ruined his friendship. The best thing he had in his life. 

Ruined it like he ruined the playoffs. He wasn’t good enough, isn’t a good enough captain, and they lost. He let Tyler down, and then ruined his friendship with him all within the same month. What the fuck is wrong with him?

Jamie wants to crash his car.

Or do the safe and sane thing and go home, shower, and scrub his body raw of all of the dirtiness his emotions make him feel.

He’s embarrassed. Upset. Alone. 

Jamie is _alone_. 

Jordie and Jessi are taking Billie and going back to Vancouver soon for the start of camp. Then Jamie’ll have no one. 

Jamie doesn’t crash his car, but it’s a near thing. He goes home, he hides his car away in the garage, and he showers to clear his head. 

He scrubs his body raw of the anxieties he feels, raw of the memories he had from Tyler’s house, raw from the emotional rollercoaster of a day he had, raw from being replaceable, raw from the thoughts he has about not being good enough for anything, raw from the idea of being alive.

“Step back, Jamie. Breathe. You are not alone. You have people. You have help.” He whispers to himself as he washes the shampoo out of his hair. “ _Breathe_.” He sighs.

_Yet you still feel so alone. So alone that you ache with it. Such a big house, but no one’s home. You’re not even home literally or metaphorically. You’re barely even present, physically and mentally. You have no one, and everyone, all at once. You’re nothing. They’d be fine if you simply didn’t exist. You failed them too many times to even count. You’re aging too, Dallas’ll give you the boot soon, if your body doesn’t quit on you first. The fans want you stripped of your C, what makes you think they won’t get their way? You’re shit. You’re alone and you’re shit._

Jamie ends up on the tiled floor of his shower, letting the stream from the showerhead above pound down on him like rain, letting it encase him and trap him. Letting himself feel it over every inch of his body. He doesn’t notice his heavy breathing, his shaking hands, at first, but when he does, he occupies his hands in his hair, and tugs. He tugs hard. Jamie feels his body ache with the sob that was ripped out of him. The sob that he held in for far too long all day, finally breaking down, where no one can see him except for himself. 

Where no one can feel disappointed in him.

Jamie gets out, dries off, and changes once he runs out of tears. He hides himself away in his office, and gets to researching what he needs. 

_Animal rescues in the Dallas area that have cats,_ Jamie searches on the computer, and comes up with this organization called Dallas Pets Alive. Jamie decides to scroll through their adoptable cats, kittens and elderly. 

He sees a ton of the cutest cats in the world, and then sees cats named after him and his teammates. It makes Jamie’s heart melt; there's a Roope, a Miro, a Guri, a Dobby, and a _Jamie_. And a cat named Salt. That gives Jamie a tiny boost of serotonin. Before furthering his research on those cats, Jamie makes a hefty donation to the organization. 

Looking over the cats again, he has to indulge. He calls about the cat named after himself, introducing himself, and arranging a meeting the next day with the small kitten. 

Jamie could cry. It sounds conceited, getting a cat named after himself, but maybe it’s Jamie Jr. that can pull him out of this mess. Give him something to take care of that isn’t himself… his actual self. 

Jamie will obviously rename him, he can’t have a third Jamie on the Stars, now can he? 

Pushing away from his desk, Jamie goes to the kitchen, and decides to make himself dinner. He likes cooking, so maybe it will help distract him from the possibility that he won’t be able to adopt the cat. 

_Maybe they won’t think that Jamie is a good fit for Jamie Jr. because of how often he’s away. How’s Jamie even going to hire a cat sitter? Jamie isn’t fit for this… maybe he just shouldn’t go._

Not fit to care for a cat, not fit to captain a team, not fit for love. Maybe Jamie should be a chef. 

_Too dumb for school._

Right, right. Jamie would need to go to school. No way he can do that. 

But the kitten is named after him, he _has_ to be a good fit for him, right? 

Jamie eats his dinner, a little blander than usual, but Jamie isn’t in the right headspace to cook the most flavorful meal he could think of. He doesn’t even know the time, how would he be able to know what spices he wants to put in his chicken? 

Maybe he should call Jordie, update him on what went down… but him and Jessi are busy with Billie, Jamie can’t add to that right now, Jess and Jord don't need more to worry about. 

_But they did say that Jamie can come to them no matter what._

No… Jamie’s not going to bother them. He can’t impede on their lives more than he normally does. They don’t need his drama. Because that’s all it is. Drama. 

Regardless, Jamie has to fix himself by _himself_ , and if owning this fucking cat will help him do that, then Jamie might as well indulge. He is going to love the _fuck_ out of Jamie Jr. He really is.

Jamie doesn’t check the time, he doesn’t care to know how early or how late it is. He is meeting this cat at the foster owner’s home at ten in the morning the next day. He’s going to sleep in an hour so that he is well-rested. Jamie Jr. deserves at least that. 

During his hour-long window before going to bed, Jamie researches trusted cat food brands, what food brand is the best out of those, regardless of how much it costs. He also does research on what toys to buy, how and when to bathe the cat, what materials and foods are harmful for the cat, cat sitters in the area (even sending a few of them an email), and what litter boxes and litter to get. 

Jamie is 110% in. If he needs a distraction from life, he is not half-assing this. He is - hopefully - about to be a _parent_. He needs to show up in the morning prepared. He is taking care of a living, breathing animal. He can’t fuck this up. 

When he finishes his research, he brushes his teeth, washes his face despite showering a little while ago, and climbs into bed. He sets his alarm, curls up into a tight ball in the middle of his disgustingly, unnecessarily large bed, and clamps his eyes shut. 

This cat needs him. _He needs this cat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback would be awesome! :)


	4. four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lovely, relaxing day for jamie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I have pre-written, so the next few will take a little while longer to come out. Also, these chapters are unbeta’d, so if any of you catches a mistake, let me know!

**_four._ **

The meeting went extremely well. The cat’s foster parents were so impressed by the research and the effort that he had put into this, that they considered Jamie Jr.’s namesake the top candidate. They obviously had said that they weren’t going to be biased towards him just because the kitten was named after him, but he suspected there was a _tiny_ bit of bias. Jamie can’t possibly be that great of a candidate. 

Now, Jamie’s playing the waiting game. He just wants this fucking cat. Not only is he beautiful, but he’s a baby. Jamie Jr. is about three months old, and Jamie can grow and change with the kitten. This might even mean their bond will be _stronger_. Jamie is willing to spend every waking moment of this possibly elongated offseason with this fucking kitten. 

And then, Jamie’s phone beeps with his email notification tone, and Jamie _jumps_ to grab his phone. 

_Mr. Benn,_

_I am sending you this email to inform you that you have been chosen as Jamie’s forever home! You obviously have the perfect financial situation to own a pet, have done your research on healthy toys, litter, food, and treats for this kitten, and have even searched for cat sitters, obviously since you will be away a lot._

_We weren’t quite sure how long we were going to be keeping Jamie Jr. within our fostering care from the start, and were thinking about certifying him as a therapy cat when he got older so he would be ‘more appealing to families’ per say. We know that being a professional athlete is tough, and if you are in need of something like that, or interested in having him certified so that if he gets extremely attached (or if you do, we won't tell a soul) you can take him on road trips as a certified therapy cat (since that’s allowed!), we can refer you to our friend, who can actually help you get him certified! Only if you’re up for it! He may only be three months olds, but he is already very clingy._

_We instantly knew you were the one because you are the only one he cried for hours for when you left! That means you’re the one._

_You can come pick him up between noon and five pm on Thursday or Friday!_

_Keep us in touch with how he grows! He’s certainly an easy one to love, and even easier to care for. He’s a cuddler._

_Thank you,_

_Genevieve and Taya, Jamie’s (ex) foster parents!_

Jamie got the kitten. Jamie got the fucking cat! He’s anxious, but excited, but anxious. 

He also might entertain the therapy cat idea, and will revisit when Jamie Jr. is in his possession and is a little bit older. It seems like a smart idea. It’s like they read his mind and saw his inner thoughts. Creepy, but helpful. 

He types back a quick email to Jamie Jr.’s foster moms, and thanks them for everything, saying he will be there at noon on Thursday, which is two days from now. Jamie’s freaking out. 

So he goes to his texts.   
  


**Seggy**

**Jame** **_(draft):_ ** hey segs i got a cat… his name is jamie jr for now but...

 **Jame(** ** _draft):_** wanna come 2 petco 

**Jame** **_(draft):_ **i miss you

 **Jame** **_(draft):_ ** do u hate me now

 **Jame** **_(draft):_ **did i ruin everything

 **Jame** **_(draft):_ **i really fucking miss you

 **Jame** **_(draft)_ ** **:** i shouldn’t though

**Vancity stole my brother back**

**Chubbs:** i was selected as the cat’s forever home and im freaking out

 **Darth:** JAMIE! HOLY FUCK!! That’s awesome kiddo

 **Koho** : YOU’RE A DAD!!!!

 **Chubbs:** is it bad i already drafted 7 texts to segs asking to come with me to petco, then deleted them all… cuz i remembered i was trying to distance myself to cope with my feelings being hurt

 **Koho** : we’ll come w you :(((

 **Darth:** dude yeah wtf draft 6 texts to me i’ll actually come with

 **Darth:** iwannacomeplease

 **Koho:** please take us your fucking brother is pouting. 

**Koho:** this asshole with a lumberjack-esque beard is pouting like our daughter. 

**Koho:** dramatic

 **Chubbs:** haha, thanks guys, but i’ll never grab what i need if jordie’s there. he’s gonna try to drag me to look at the ferrets again, and i don’t think i can handle that today, jess. i'm gonna wanna buy them all again. 

**Koho:** AGAIN?

 **Chubbs:** dw about it, ask darth about the time he bought a hamster but forgot to buy a cage and let it run free in the house. 

**Darth:** i was drunk and 19 

**Chubbs:** i cant believe u never told jess this

 **Koho:** ??? Fr 

**Chubbs:** he named it 1776 ‘cuz he was free’. we aren’t even american. 

**Chubbs:** he was just being a smartass.

Jamie leaves his texts app and pulls up his notes app, seeing everything he has to get from Petco. He grabs his wallet and keys, and takes the well needed Petco trip. 

He walks through the aisles, keeping a hat low on his head to avoid any fans. He loves his fans, but he doesn’t think he can handle further human interaction with people who already know who he is… or human interaction in general. 

Jamie is preparing for his son, okay? He has a one track mind. Get cat food, get bowls, a litter box, toys, a scratching post, a cat tree, and get out the fuck of there. He doesn’t need distractions. Hence why he wasn’t in the mood to bring Jessi and Jord along. He loves them, but they hover, and then they try to make him buy things he doesn’t need at the moment, but might acquire later to make his cat happy. 

He used to be the type of guy to make fun of people who treated their pets as if they are their children, but Jamie so easily finds himself doing exactly what he would chirp them for. He’s such a hypocrite. But he honestly has lost all his motivation to care. If this cat is going to help pull Jamie out of this depressive episode he’s going through, Jamie will worship this cat, spoil it with every single penny he fucking has, and treat that cat not only like a son, but like a fucking king. 

He needs something to hyperfocus on that isn't Tyler, and this is it. This cat is going to help Jamie be better. He knows it.

So he buys everything he needs for this cat, and does what exactly he wanted, which was to promptly gets the fuck out of there. All he wants to do is set up the shit for his cat and relax, maybe watch some shitty old television shows, make some food and hide from the world. No roadblocks. No stoppages in play.

But the world never allows Jamie the things he asks for, right? 

Which is why the one, the only, Tyler Paul Seguin, is sitting on his fucking doorstep. Just what Jamie needed today. Honestly, the man he is trying to avoid so he can get over his feelings, is sitting directly on his doorstep, while he just wants to set up for the cat that he adopted to help him get over his piss poor mental health and over his blatant rejection that broke him up inside.

Not only does Jamie have to worry about being queer in the NHL, but he has to worry about being a failure who is constantly reminded by the organization he works for and the fans he plays for, worry about being horseshit, worry about his body failing on him, worry about his media presence, worry about keeping people in his life when all he wants to do is push them away, worry about his body image, his media image, his everything. He is constantly under scrutiny by everyone, including himself, and he wants it all to end. The last thing he needed was Tyler, the background to one of his problems, the rejection and unrequited love problem, to show up on his doorstep before he's ready.

Jamie is spiraling, and he has to keep his cool until after he gets rid of Tyler, sad enough to say. That’s not how it used to be.

So Jamie exits his car like he sees nothing, and grabs his stuff from the trunk. The bags from Petco that contain the litter box, the litter, the bowls, the cans of food, the box containing the parts of the cat tree, et cetera. He does his best to haul them all to the front, and stops in his tracks to look down at Tyler.

“Tyler.” Jamie manages to grunt out, without sounding like a spiraling, anxious mess. He’s practically vibrating, and running on low battery at the same time. 

Tyler jumps, looking up at Jamie with those beautiful, soft, brown eyes that even though Tyler hates, Jamie loves. “Jame… can we talk?”

“I’m… I’m kinda busy?”

Tyler glances down at the bags Jamie is holding and then back up at Jamie. “Do you need help?”

Jamie sighs and looks at his feet. “Take my keys from my hand and unlock the front door, please?” Because who is Jamie to deny Tyler fucking anything. Tyler clearly looks upset, so Jamie’s gonna have to push his mental breakdown back a few minutes. 

Tyler does as he was asked, unlocks the door and turns off Jamie’s alarm, because apparently he remembers the alarm code. Jamie puts his stuff on the floor by the kitchen counter, reminding himself that he has to set everything up. 

“Jame, ‘t‘s that?” Tyler asks quietly.

“Cat stuff.” Jamie replies, fast and short. Tyler tilts his head in confusion like one of his fucking dogs, and raises an eyebrow. “I adopted a foster cat, Tyler. I thought a cat would be good for me. But you aren't here to talk about my cat, so can we please-,” Jamie flaps his hand to signal ‘get a move on’, “so that I can set this all up, and then take a nap?” Jamie is kind of irritable now. He isn’t necessarily pissed off by Tyler's presence, but he _is_ unsettled by it, and he doesn’t feel comfortable at this very moment.

“Oh… congrats on the cat?” Tyler starts, and then paces around in Jamie’s foyer. Jamie personally wants to bash his own head into a wall. Preferably brick. “You’re right, though, that’s not why I came here to talk… I wanted to apologize?” 

Jamie cocks an eyebrow, he’s now invested and interested in what Tyler has to say, even though he knows it will hurt him.

“For what?” Jamie asks, although interested, he is genuinely confused.

“If I led you on in any way…”

_Ah, straight guilt._

“Stop. That’s just… _no_ , Tyler. You never led me on. Shit just happens, and I’m trying to get over it. It isn’t your fault. I just need space.” Fuck being interested, Jamie is now tired of this conversation, and is getting anxious and needs Tyler to take a hundred thousand steps back. 

“I just… I feel bad. I don’t want us to be off during camp, and I don’t want to lose your friendship. I care about you.” Tyler sighs, finally looking Jamie in the eyes.

“If you apologizing is just some self-satisfying, savior kink, self-preserving type of shit, I truly don’t want to hear it just so you can make _yourself_ feel better. I’m telling you that it isn’t your fault that I fell for you all these years ago. I am also telling you, and told you this _literally_ five seconds ago, that I need my space so that I can get back to that level.

I _want_ to be able to be your best friend again. I _want_ things to be normal between us again. I _want_ to be able to see you during camp and not feel uncomfortable, anxious and sad. I’m _really_ trying my best to be calm and mature about this, but I really just wanna set up my cat’s shit, and lay down and wallow in self pity for a while. I care about you too, Tyler, which is why I would like my space so that I can learn how to be in the same space as you again without only thinking about the rejection.”

That’s just too much talking, _especially_ for Jamie. His brain wants to shut down right about now. 

Jamie feels like he’s choking, and he’s barely able to finish that last sentence without having to take the deepest breath ever taken. He’s clenching his fists so tightly that he feels like his nails might break fucking skin. He _needs_ Tyler to leave, and he needs him to leave, _now._

Tyler seems to get the hint, because he nods, apologizes once more, and promises to give Jamie space as he walks out the door. 

Jamie counts to forty-five, didn’t move from his spot in the foyer, before letting out a loud, guttural, “Fuck!” that would probably scare the shit out of his neighbours if he didn’t live in the rich part of Dallas, Texas, where all the houses were big and spread out. 

He decides on distracting himself by picking a place in his living room for the cat tree, and puts it together, ignoring the pressure in his head behind his eyes, telling him that he wants to cry out of anger.

He’s okay. He _has_ to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback (good or bad) is encouraged! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> If anyone has any new name ideas for Jamie Jr., suggestions are appreciated!!


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jamie gets his son!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight CW: panic attack, negative thoughts, intense emotion

**_five_ **

It’s Thursday.

Jamie finally gets to pick up his son, and he couldn’t be any more fucking excited. Jamie Jr. was going to help him get himself under control. He understands that a cat isn’t therapy, but Jamie doesn’t think he needs therapy yet. He isn't going to waste a therapist’s time, when the therapist has patients who actually need them… who need them  _ way _ more than some rich ‘celebrity’ athlete. He can hold off, and the cat will do. 

They’re providing him with a cat carrier, all Jamie really needs to bring is himself and some treats that he bought. 

He’s anxious that they won’t bond like he hopes they will. He’s anxious that he’ll fuck up. He grabs the bag of treats, his keys and hat, and walks out his door before he gives himself cold feet and prevents himself from actually getting his new pet. 

He takes a deep breath, centers himself, gets into his car, and drives. He blasts music to distract himself from his thoughts, trying to fill himself with happiness, so the cat doesn’t get bad energy from him. 

Reaching Genevieve and Taya’s house didn’t take long at all, and Jamie is in their driveway before he is even fully prepared. He steps out of his parked car, and takes another inhale. 

_ You got this, Benny. You love this cat, this cat wanted you. He’s yours.  _

He marches up to their door out of sheer will, and then crumbles when he reaches the door. He rings the bell, and fiddles with his fingers, picking at the bottom of his t-shirt. 

“Jamie! How are you?” Genevieve, a tall, gorgeous woman with deep brown skin and skillfully done (multicolor!) braids down to her waistline, answers the door. 

“Hey, Gen, I’m alright. Your hair looks great, love the colors.” He smiles, packing on the charm. He needs Gen and Taya to like him so that they don’t take it back, so that they don’t take his cat away from him. 

Gen smiles in return, welcoming him inside, thanking him with a blush. “Taya has little Jamie Jr. inside, let's go find her.” 

She leads him into their foster room, where a bunch of cats are mewling and walking around, ages ranging from elder, to newborn. 

A yowling catches him off guard, a happy yowling, there’s a difference, Jamie learned that online through YouTube. He looks around until he sees Taya, a shorter Australian woman, with naturally blonde hair, but ombre-dyed blue to match her eyes. Taya was holding the adorable ball of black and white patchy fur that was the culprit of the yowling. 

_ That's his boy.  _

“Jamie! He’s so happy to see you, look!” Taya shouts over the yowling, and lets Jamie Jr. go. Jamie watches as his stubby little legs sprint up to Jamie to wind around his legs. 

Jamie’s eyes start to burn.  _ No. No he is not about to cry because this cat already loves him despite only meeting him once before. He’s  _ **_so_ ** _ not going to cry.  _

“Hi, buddy.” He barely manages out, his voice slightly cracking as he speaks. He bends down and scoops up his cat, pulling him close to his chest. The cat seems to love the attention, squirming even closer to Jamie, and nestling his head in the crook of his shoulder. 

_ Now it's okay for Jamie to cry.  _

He lets a small tear roll down his cheek, and he looks at Taya and Gen with watery eyes. “He’s so perfect. He’s  _ so  _ perfect. Thank you guys.” He nods, pure happiness showing all over his face. Gen and Taya looked proud, almost, if he isn’t mistaken, and the glints in their eyes show that they are genuinely happy for not only Jamie, but for the kitten as well. 

The three of them, with Jamie Jr. still perched on his shoulder, walk to the office, to finalize all of the paperwork for Jamie. After everything, Taya hands Jamie the carrier, but doubts he’ll even need it unless they travel far. 

When Jamie’s at the door, Gen stops him before he fully leaves. “ _ Please _ don’t forget to send us updates on how he’s doing. We love to keep up with our babies. And call us if you need anything, whether it's a friend… or cat care advice. We’re always around, our numbers are on the paperwork you have. Good luck, Jamie.” 

“Thank you, Gen. I will.” 

He takes his new son home, and cuddles up with him on the couch, Jamie Jr. resting on his chest. He decides to take a picture. 

**Vancity stole my brother back**

**Chubbs:** image.jpg

**Chubbs:** meet my new son. 

**Koho:** OMFG!!! The cutest. 

**Darth:** we’re coming over, be there in 5. 

_ Oh god.  _ Jamie reads through the texts and laughs. Of course, Jordie isn’t going to let him nap with his new baby. 

Almost exactly five minutes later, Jamie’s front door opens, and Jamie Jr.’s eyes snap open. He chirps, and Jamie sits up, still holding him close to his chest. 

“Let me see my fucking nephew!” Jordie bellows from the foyer. Jessi comes into view, Billie asleep in her arms. 

Jamie Jr. mewls, hopping out of Jamie’s arms, and running in the direction of Jordie’s voice. 

The sound of a high pitched squeal from his sasquatch of an older brother is the most amazing thing that Jamie has ever heard, and he wishes he could’ve gotten it on video. “Jamie, he's the cutest animal I’ve ever seen! He’s so tiny!” Jordie gasps, walking into the room with the kitten on his head. Jamie Jr. has obviously deemed Jordie not a threat, despite his large presence. 

“Oh, Jamie, he’s adorable!” Jessi agrees. “Do you have a name picked out yet?”

Jamie blanches. He totally forgot to think about new names. “Uh… no, any suggestions?” 

“Make it something surrounding hockey… since it's your entire life, man. This is your son, name him after something you love.” Jordie gives his input, with To Be Renamed Soon dozing comfortably around Jordie’s shoulders like a scarf. 

Jessi nods in agreement. “You won the Art Ross way back when… maybe Ross?”

“Art?” Jordie raises an eyebrow. “I’m not letting you name your cat Ross. Then I’d think of Ross Geller, that makes him less adorable.” 

Jamie snorts and refuses to move from his lazy position on his couch. “I can work with Art. Artie?”

At the sound of  _ Artie _ , the kitten perks his head up, his ears twitching slightly. 

“I think he likes it too.” Jamie smirks, nodding at his brother and his almost sister in law, happy. “Nice teamwork. Artie it is.” He stands, and claps his hand together. “The two of you know I don’t post on social media unless it’s extremely convenient… but I think it's time for a photoshoot of my son and I. So I can… y’know, introduce him to Dallas and the world.” He nods, lifting Artie off of Jordie’s shoulders. 

Artie pawed his way up to Jamie’s shoulder instead, allowing Jamie to hug him close, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.  _ Jamie’s in serious trouble.  _ He’s already in love with his mushball of a cat. 

His cat is literally  _ hugging  _ him. He could get used to this. Jamie feels himself grinning from cheek to cheek, and hears the snap of an iPhone camera. He looks up and sees Jessi holding her phone up to Jamie’s level, trying to get a good angle of Artie snuggling him. 

“Pose!” She squealed out of excitement, preparing to take more pictures. 

A few minutes and fifty pictures later, Jamie narrowed down his favorites to the first one, of Artie hugging him, and the second to last one, a video (live photo that he screen recorded because it was too precious) of Artie running and jumping into Jamie’s arms, Jamie sitting criss-cross on the floor, giggling heavily, his smile bright. 

Jamie feels happy, but dark thoughts in the back of his head are poking his brain, triggering an anxiety that bubbles up so fast it hits him like a freight train. 

_ It won’t last.  _

_ You don’t deserve this.  _

_ You’re too happy. It will end.  _

_ When will it end?  _

_ How will it end? _

_ You aren't good enough for this cat, for anything.  _

_ This cat will leave you, everyone will leave you.  _

_ This cat deserves better than a fuck up like you.  _

_ Everyone's better off without you. Just distance yourself away. Avoid them all.  _

_ You’re replaceable, they’ll get rid of you if you don't do it first.  _

_ You’re not good enough for this. You aren't a good fit to be his parent.  _

_ Everyone will leave you soon, when they figure out that you’re worthless, you’re nothing. This will all end.  _

Jamie feels like he’s choking. He’s out of it, but clearly for longer than he thought he was, if Jordie’s face is a sign for anything. Placing Artie on the floor, Jamie rubs his face almost hysterically with the palms and heels of his hands, rubbing his face until it burned, until it turned red, until he felt something other than  _ numb _ . 

His breaths are short, fast, and irregular. Pulling his knees up to his chest, Jamie rests his head on top of them, trying to focus on breathing, but his brain won’t allow it. He feels like he’s drowning. 

He misses his best friend. He just wants Tyler, he wants to experience his new family addition with his best friend. He wants Tyler to see his cat, to meet Artie. He wants to feel less alone. Jordie and Jessi are leaving for Vancouver soon, and Jamie doesn’t think he will be able to handle it. 

His body won’t stop trembling, his mind won’t stop racing, and Jamie wishes he understood why these thoughts flooded his brain when something positive was happening, why sad, but true thoughts have to destroy his mood, have to ruin such a good day, and how it happens so fast. 

But just as Jamie was diving deeper into his spiral, he feels a sudden weight on the back of his neck, and then hears a loud purring noise in his ears. He sniffles and lifts his head up, only to be thwacked in the face by Artie’s tail. Chuckling wetly, he lifts Artie from his position on his neck, and pulls him into his chest. 

“He was getting nervous because of your panic attack, and I’m very useless in situations like this, but I thought you would both benefit if you wore him like a scarf.” Jordie gently breaks the silence.

Jamie looks up at his brother and flashes him a weak smile. “Thank you, Jord.”

“Think you’re gonna be okay, Jame?” 

“I think Artie will help me.” Jamie doesn’t quite say he will be alright, but he knows that Artie will loosen the knot in his chest a little bit, ease his pain from terrible, to a dull ache. 

His cat can’t fix everything, but he is doing a damn good job of making everything a little better, and he’s only been in Jamie’s possession for an hour.

They’ll get through this together,  _ that _ Jamie is sure of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he’s here!! and his name is Artie, thanks to Aj4668 !!!(https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aj4668/pseuds/Aj4668 ; go read some of their fics!) 
> 
> not my most thorough and best work, but again, all my work is unbeta’d and stuff. 
> 
> despite it not being my best work and also kinda a shorter chapter, feedback is appreciated! (i am the second admin on this account, i wrote this fic and the check please! one, and probably 90% if not all the future fics here bc this is my friend’s account, and they posted all of the previous fics, so give those a read because they write so well!!!) 
> 
> im also working on a soulmate!au oneshot for the check, please! fandom, so be on the lookout for that! <3


	6. discontinued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry

hey guys, in light of the recent events following jamie trending on twitter for not good reasons, i will not be continuing this fic. 

i just cant support him after seeing him like a transphobic video posted by none other than c*nd*ce ow*ns. its so frustrating because he was my favorite player, and its getting exhausting just seeing him do nothing to stand up for equal rights, being the only captain who didn’t speak up on BLM this past summer, refusing to speak up on LGBTQ+ rights and issues when Katie wasn’t posting pictures of them at pride or whatever, and now liking a transphobic post. 

it’s genuinely upsetting to me see someone i respected and thought of as my favorite player do something like this, and especially when i believe that black lives, native american lives, asian lives, latino/a lives, lgbtq+ lives, and jewish lives MATTER. and the fact that he is able to sit at home on his ass in between hockey games, and enjoy the privilege he has and not use his privilege, platform OR status as captain to speak up on these issues fucking angers me. it really hurts that this came out because i feel like i cannot support him and support those things that i support at the same time, because it means i’m supporting someone who doesn’t care about people that aren’t himself. it hurts because i was a fan of his for so long, and now i just... cant be. it hurts a lot. 

to all of my trans friends, you are valid, you are here. i see you, i respect you, i support you. don’t let j*mie being a piece of shit invalidate you.

and we all know for a fucking fact he wont speak up on this issue and he wont say jack shit about it.   
  


i’m livid. and i hope you are too. thanks for taking the time to read this fic while it lasted. now im just pissed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just so fucking livid and upset

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is welcomed! Tell me if there is anything I need to fix, or add in the next chapter to do better! 
> 
> Can’t wait to see your feedback!  
> Updates will be sporadic, I have the next two chapters pre-written, I just have to edit them.


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